I recently reconnected with someone who told me that he has never known me to be happy. I know this. I am not a happy person. All of this is born out of selfishness I'm sure but I can't help it. This is how I feel. This friend was one of my closest friends and someone I always thought would be so. This person knows everything about me, most of my thoughts and feelings. But he got on with his life as he should but then I seemed to be no longer a part of it, which hurt. But I tried to make myself understand and I would still reach out now and then to see how things were but I rarely got a returned phone call. I moved on to other friends and buried the hurt until once in a while someone asked me how he was or I heard his name and them it came up again for a moment. It is very hard for me to let things go or forgive. In our reconnection we talked for a long time. It was refreshing and reminded me of old times but in the back of mind was the anger I felt towards him. He was going through a hard time and I wanted to be there for him. So I told myself I wouldn't say anything and try to let it go. But somewhere in the conversation the opportunity arose and I made a snide comment knowing he would pick up on it and would open the door. He did and so I let him have it. He knew this was coming and I felt bad putting more issues on to him when he was dealing with his own but I couldn't help it. I had to get it out. He said he was sorry, he's just been so busy with everything and there really was no time. How am I supposed to know that unless he tells me. I'm a pretty understanding person if someone gives me an explanation before I build up all my own reasons in my head. Even so, I told him that I guess I thought of him more as a best friend than he did me and that was okay. I had just been hoping he had thought the same way. He said he did. As I'm typing this my thoughts are being very evil toward me and him. I realize that confrontations are not pleasant things. I hate them and usually avoid them but once I'm in them I up front, if I'm the accuser. The accuser is always in the better position. The accused will usually own up to the fact that they are guilty and apologize. In a way will say anything (though I think they believe they mean what they say) to appease the accuser and make the awkwardness of the confrontation go away. I do this too. You apologize and apologize hoping to make it go away. Well, I've decided that apologies can be good when followed up with actions. As my friend apologized, I told him straight up that it didn't mean anything to me. I don't believe in apologies. How can they mean anything unless they are followed up with corrective actions. We left as friends with promises to call but we'll see. I give him some leeway as I know he is really busy and the hard times in his life are his main focus.
This rant isn't really about him but just thought I would share that story to give some background into how I am. From that I think you can gather how needy I am. So I am. I need for someone to need me. I need to be cared for. Ever since that conversation his words of "I have never known you to be a happy person" have been the forefront of my thoughts. Why would he think that? Then as I look back on our conversations, I realize they were mostly serious and depressing. In some ways I felt he was like a shrink who would tell me what to do. But he wasn't. Who wants to talk to someone who only wants to say terrible things about themselves all the time? A joke between us would be that I was going to hell! I started it. I said enough times that he tried to make light of it. Something to make me laugh and know that he didn't think I was going to hell. The point is that I wanted him to fix me or anyone really. Anyone could fix me but myself. It doesn't really help when you put yourself down either. I've called myself so many names. I don't believe it when people say nice things to me. Okay sometimes I do, usually if it has something to do with something I've done. But if it has anything to do with me as a person or looks I politely say thank you but in my head I'm thinking "What do you know?" Sometimes it gets better though. When someone gives me a compliment on my appearance I will think "You know they must really think that, why would they just say that. People don't do that. I only pay compliments if I really think that about someone. Why waste the time trying to be fake?" I know some people do but all in all I think most people don't say something nice unless they really mean it. Otherwise a guilty feeling that comes from lying sets in and who wants that? There is an exception to this though for me and that is family members and close friends. These people know everything about me and my issues and so if a compliment is given (one that I don't believe is true) then I tend to think it is because they know my issues and are trying to help but in the end it doesn't. It just reminds me how screwed up I am and that these people know it too.
I know this post is all over the place. I'm just typing my thoughts. It really comes back to that I am not known to be happy. Didn't I hide it well it enough under all the sarcasm? That was meant to be sarcastic too. But really no wonder. No wonder that I have very few friends who will someday leave me for more happy people which will make me even more unhappy. Just to say this, one thing that I think I'm good at is being a friend. Though there are some occasions where I take my friends for granted but all in all I am good friend. Mainly because I like it when people like me and I want them to go on liking me. However the people that I like to be friends with are independent people. People who I would like to emulate. People who don't necessarily need me but like to have me around. You would think that would be enough? But I need them and it starts to feel pathetic that I am the needy one. I'm the one that keeps the friendships going. Not always but mostly. I make the calls and if I'm not doing that then it is because I have given up. There are a few people and family members who are very good friends to me and I appreciate you all listening to me time after time. I'm sorry that I've taken you for granted when I go after the friendships of others that are superficial. You probably don't realize that I do this but I do.
It's a Saturday night and I'm alone so my thoughts run away with me. I think that's why I watch so many movies or watch so much t.v. To escape from my thoughts. Today I went to two movies in a row, they were even at different theatres. It's not really unusual but once I left the other one my mind went right into the negative thoughts about myself and I couldn't wait to get into my next movie so they would go away. It was only temporary and thus is why I am posting this. I have to get it out. Even though typing this won't necessarily make it go away it's a bit of a release. I'm actually feeling somewhat better already. I know no one can fix my problems but me. I know that I will never be happy if I can't be happy with who I am. I'm not sure how to do that and I'm not sure that I have willpower to do it. I think it will be very hard and that scares me. In a way my issues are a comfort to me. This is who I am and who I have always been. I don't like it but change scares me. I need to be pushed somehow. I need to push myself. It seems so overwhelming. Counseling has been suggested. A few times. I don't know if I can do that. I think about it, but I don't think I could really afford it. Maybe my insurance covers it, I don't know. I wouldn't even know where to start. We'll see. Some people suggest God. I know this is totally against everything I've been taught but I just can't get over the fact that I am the one that needs to do this. There are so many other things going on and people in more pain that God should be focused on. Also, I'm a little cynical. Something has just happened. I paused in my typing to think about what I had just written. I've been pretty unemotional throughout the writing of this but as I was thinking about my relationship with God, the words "God loves me" started repeating in my mind. I started crying. I don't know where it came from. I'm not sure why I'm crying. It makes me feel good. He loves me even when I don't love myself and find it hard to believe that anyone can really love me. He does. He loves me. I'll try to remember that.
Well, hopefully no one really read this but I'm sure you did because I know I would have. It would be very easy for me to use this as a way get sympathy and attention and normally I would be all over that. But that isn't my intention. I just needed to get out my thoughts. So I have turned off the comments and I won't answer my phone for a week, well maybe a few days from people I know who read this. People who I know care and are concerned but it won't help and I'll probably give in to talking your ear off about my problems and you don't want that. Thanks for your thoughts though. I'm happy to have all of you in my life.
