It seems to be an emotional time for me (Yes, again!)

I think I'm just hormonal or something. I'm up and down and any little thing can just make my day or send me into depressed or hating everyone state. The following contains things about people who may read this blog, but I've decided I don't like censoring myself. In fact, in most cases I probably want whomever to read it. It's totally passive aggressive, but that's how I roll. Non-confrontational all the way.

So here are some examples of what has turned my mood in circles this week.

Sunday: I decided to make a comment in Relief Society (I know, big mistake). The lesson was on negativity and how we are down on ourselves a lot blah blah blah. The teacher (who is a really nice girl and a counselor in the RS) asked for examples of how we get down on ourselves. So after several were given I raise my hand and say something along the lines of "There are times when days go by and I haven't heard from my friends. No one has called me to do anything so I get a little depressed by it wondering why no one wants to hang out with me. But then I think to myself, well why should they call me, why don't I call them to do something. They are probably doing the same thing, just sitting around waiting for someone to call." That was basically the jist I was trying to get across. So the teacher then looks at me and says, "Thanks for that. By the way, I'm having a party on Thursday so you are invited (looking at me) and you should really come. You all are invited." Great. How pathetic did I feel right then? Not as much as I did after Sunday school when the same girl was handing out invites to her party and as I walk by she says "I gave an invite to your roommate but of course you are totally invited too and I really want you to come. " Now this girl is really sweet and didn't mean anything by what she said but to point me out like that really bugged. I felt like some lowly girl that everyone pitys and acts like their friend out of christian goodness.

Monday: I was over at Carrie's hanging out and talking about her upcoming move and other things. I was sitting in her room and then her roommate, Angela, came home. As Angela headed into her room she saw me and said hi and then said, "Cassie, those shoes are cute, you always look so cute. I really love your style." How awesome is that? Total pick me up. Really, I owe almost all of it to "What Not To Wear." Seriously that show has really helped me.

Tuesday: Jen, this girl at work and I became friends pretty quickly since she started a while ago. Annie and I have had our on and off moments in our work friendship. Jen and Annie work up front together and I go and talk to them every once in a while. So we're all friends. So on this day I was up talking to Jen and Annie after lunch and Jen had these presents from some friends of hers and balloons and Annie said it was her birthday, well not until Friday. That this one friend had gone to lunch with her and Annie went too. Somewhere in this conversation, Jen mentioned going to mediation on Thursday and that's what the presents were for but I must have missed that connection somehow. Right then as I'm talking to them they decide to go for a ten minute walk for a break and they just go. Did they ask me to go along? No. So I was feeling out of the loop. And consequently acted grouchy to them the rest of the day. Plus had a little break down about getting checks signed and stupid directors not giving it any priority making my job stressful so yeah, not a happy camper that day.

Wednesday: I call Jen to ask her a work-related question and she brings up that I was grouchy toward her and Annie yesterday and was I mad at her for some reason. So told her how I felt out of the loop and stuff. Granted, for lunches I have said that I value having lunch to myself so I don't go with them every week to the missionaries lunch thing but you know every once in a while would be nice to be asked. But I understand, that why would keep asking someone who says no all the time. But it wasn't really that, it was the little walks they take and the fact that I thought I had been left out of her birthday lunch. She assured that that wouldn't happen, that it was to celebrate her mediation coming up and her friend wanted to meet Annie for some reason and cleared it up. So made me feel a little better.

Thursday: Went to the R.S. girl's party and actually had fun. Spent most of the night talking to Loralee and our friend Joni, which I tend to gravitate toward the familiar and I always enjoy talking to Joni. And I got nice compliments on my hair so that was good. Also, that night I got to talk to my mom for a little bit and even Alyson as well. So good times all around.

Friday (today): It's Jen's birthday but it kind of was in the back of my mind and the first thing I thought to ask her was how her mediation went. Which went extremely well and she told me the story and I was so enthralled that I forgot to wish her a happy birthday. Even when her boss came up and gave her a little present and card and said "I'm paying for your lunch today. Your and Annie's." First off, my boss isn't near as nice as that and why include Annie? Pay for Annie's lunch on her birthday. Whatever, it's his money. So I get busy with work and realize that it is totally past my lunch time and I head to the cafeteria to see what's there. As I wait for the elevator I look to see if Jen is at her desk and she isn't. That's right it's her lunchtime too and then it hits. Oh yeah she and Annie are probably having her birthday lunch. The one that I would never be left out of, right? Apparently I was. Then the bad thoughts come. Was it because I didn't wish her happy birthday? I meant to I really did. So I shoot her off an email saying so and wish her a happy birthday. But really, I don't think she wouldn't think of me just because of that. Is it because she thinks I want to have lunch by myself? But in our previous conversation I said that I wanted to start coming more and obviously I had been hurt when I thought I had been left out before. So she should know how I would feel. So maybe it's just that they don't want to be that close of friends with me anymore. I annoy them with me coming to talk to them all the time or something. I don't know. It hurts to think so but it's not the first time so I'll recover. I'm sure if it ever comes up (since I'm terrible at hiding my feelings) Jen will give some good reason why, like her boss paid for them and so it wouldn't have worked for me to be there. That's crap. Hello, I could have paid for myself and been fine. Plus I think it was rude for him to tell her that he was paying for her and Annie in front of me when he knows that we are all friends (at least I thought so) and sees me up there talking to them all the time, especially to Jen. Whatever, so I've shed a few tears about it but I'll get over it. If they happen to read this well this how I feel and I don't want you to try to make it better if you don't really want to include me in your friendship. Because, honestly I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, I just didn't know that I wasn't wanted.