The Roller Coaster of Life

So last week or so I was tempted to write this all too depressing post about how my life just sucks and nothing is going right and I'm not happy at work, home, or in my social life, you know all the stuff you've heard before. Just to give a little background. Lately at work I haven't felt like my boss trusts me with anything and in fact takes things away that I was doing in a very subtle way instead of helping me learn how to do whatever he wants done. I was promoted two years ago, but I am still doing the same thing, actually even less, that I was doing when I was hired. So I haven't felt challenged and my confidence in my ability has really plummeted to the point where I don't think I could even get a good job with my skills if I tried. One day, I completely broke down and cried for an hour on the phone with my mother and determined that I have to talk to my boss about this. The next week I made my intentions known to my friend that I work with who is the receptionist. A couple days later she asked me to lunch with her and told me that people in my department were being pretty much fired. People I don't think should be fired and the reasoning was stupid. So that made me scared to confront my boss because he may decide I don't have the skill set for the job. So that made my job even worse. Knowing that people I like working with are going to be gone. I went down to our subsidiary company and complained and just said you guys need to hire me down here soon because I can't stand it. Kind of as a joke but not entirely. Anyway they were nice enough to listen.

Life at home hasn't been that great either. Ever since Loralee moved out it hasn't been the same and even though I like being by myself sometimes, I realize how nice it was to come home and have a friend to talk to. So I mostly just stay in my room all the time and barely see my roommates. There are other things going there too that are driving me nuts and I think I need a change soon.

Nothing new in my social life either. That it is pretty much non-existent, but last week I had a kind of depressing phone conversation. I decided to call the last boy that I dated. Brendon. We dated four and half years ago and after I stopped the dating we remained friends and we use to talk on the phone a lot. But it had been over a year since I had talked to him. He has a girlfriend and they live together and it's pretty serious, which is great. We talked for a little bit about what's going on in our lives and I told how awful my life is right now and no, no boyfriend, not since you. I alway tell him everything. Then he said how he and his girlfriend have a rule that they don't talk to exes anymore so he couldn't really talk to me anymore. Though I completely appreciate that rule, I wouldn't necessarily call myself an ex. We didn't even kiss for crying out loud. But whatever, it made me sad. We kept talking for a little while and I joked with him how I had contemplated calling him and if he was single asking for a make-out session. He said if he had been he would have been happy to oblige. But I said I never could because I've gained a lot of weight since we went out and didn't want him to see me. "Just more curves to love," he said. Anyway I bashed my self-image a little more saying I was even overweight when we dated. (seriously I don't know why this guy ever wanted to date me, I'm such a downer) and he said "Cassie, I thought you were sexy as hell when we went out." Super sweet and now I can't even have him as a friend anymore. So that depressed and I went right out and bought some ice cream. This time was probably one of most unhappiest times in my life. I don't even remember feeling so unhappy in every aspect of my life like I did a couple weeks ago.

So that's the downward motion of the rollercoaster. Last week my visiting teaching partner, whom I had never met called me and wanted to visit our girls, who I also have never met. Not really my favorite thing, but I didn't want to hinder anyone else from fulfilling their callings so we texted each other about when we would go and where we would meet. I haven't been feeling the church stuff for a while now so I was a little unsure but again I also let my visiting teachers and home teacher come this week too. Of course, they are persistent little buggers, but I like them. Anyway it was such a good experience. My partner is awesome and she picked two great talks from conference I that I didn't hear or had read yet that just fit my situation and our girls' situations as well. The best one was Elder Worthlin's "Come What May and Love it." Seriously this girl is so in tune with the spirit. Plus she is just fun and she's new and doesn't have any friends here so me as her visiting teaching companion have been deemed an automatic friend, which I definitely wouldn't mind. It was a really great day.

Then this week at work. I decided to go talk to the person who under my head boss. There are two people above me before my boss. So I talked to the one right under him. And just quickly voiced my concerns and hopes for my role at work. He was very appreciative of me talking to him and agreed and had already thought to give me more responsibilities, but I would have to hang in there for a few months because there is just so much happening with being audited and year-end and stuff that it will be a while before things really get in motion. I just felt good about putting my feelings out there. Or there might be another possible job opportunity that could come up next week, but it's still unlikely and it depends on my boss, but there are some great guys pulling for me and who believe in me so we'll see. So things are kind of looking up in the work department. Home and social life are still in a lull but hopefully that may turnover soon.

In the spirit of thanksgiving, I am really grateful for everyone who has been there for me. Knowing that there are people who love me and believe in me is such a blessing. So thanks for being there and listening over and over and over again. Some day I'll get my life straightened out or at least slightly less bent.