My Disease

The test results are in and it is official that I am sick. I guess I've always had this disease, it's not that rare (probably occurs in every fifth or sixth person). Each one of you have probably noticed my symptoms at some time or another. It's called Gossipitis or it's not so kind term of flapping gum disease.

I really am a huge gossip and it's not something I am too proud of but I can't seem to stop myself. Everytime I have an attack of gossipitis, I almost always feel somewhat ashamed of myself. Mainly for the reasons that I do it, which I will illustrate for you now.

1. No one would talk to me if I didn't gossip.
There is some self-esteem issues that feed this disease. It is a symptom. Since I feel like I don't really have anything interesting to say about myself or other matters in the world, I fall back on the one thing I know everyone loves to talk about. Everybody else. People come up and ask me about so and so, if they think I may have information on that person. Granted it's not necessarily the first thing that comes up but as the early small talk about me and the other person quickly begins to wane we get down to the good stuff.

2. The thrill of knowing something someone else doesn't and passing it on.
I think everyone loves knowing things and it's nice when everyone else knows that you know things be it any subject. There is a sense of contribution when you spread your knowledge. Of course, some knowledge is much more important, but someone's gotta know the ins and outs of people's lives. I think the role of gossip falls on someone in almost every group. But a gossip's contribution tends to be a negative one hence my shame after each attack.

I don't necessarily seek after secrets, okay that's not true. And secrets is too bold of a term just tidbits here and there about a person's life. I love to listen to people. A gossip usually is a good listener. I try to give myself the rule that if someone asks me not to tell anyone that I will follow that instruction to some degree. I won't tell anyone who is closely involved. For instance I tell my co-workers about my friends that they have never met and I have told the tales so well that they are involved in the story. I bring them the next chapter. I can't even keep my own secrets that well. I mean hello, finally I have something that is good to talk about me, like I am gonna let that go for very long. I think my main reason for gossiping is to get attention and that seems to be the best way for me to get it. I hate it. I feel bad that I have ruined the chance for whoever's news it is to see the surprise on other people's faces. I have taken that from them. But seeing those attentive faces looking at me hanging on my every word, it's such a high.

I do admit this to people freely, not necessarily to deter you from talking to me or telling me things (it hasn't stopped people so far) but just to make you aware. Like I said if you tell me something you would not like me to tell others you just have to say so and I will try my hardest to keep it from those it would matter to. Also, if I have spread some of your news that you didn't want spread please know that I usually do feel really bad about it but apparently not bad enough to stop. I haven't found sufficient treatment yet.