There may possibly be a lot of cliche's in this post. Just so you know.
I have been noticing lately how much I cling to the past (well, I've always kind of noticed it I guess). I find myself wanting to recreate old times and happy memories. There are several examples of my clinging to the past which I will list now.
1. I try to maintain friendships with people from highschool that really should have died away by now. I know it's not a bad thing to want to keep friends, but I don't really make new friends. Making friends was so much easier when I was young. We were in the same ward and same grade so naturally we had to be friends. That's pretty much it. Sure they had they their faults and I had mine and sometimes we hated each other but it worked out. Yes I did make a few friends that weren't in my ward but it was only through my other friends. If it had been up to me to recruit new people into my group I wouldn't have made the quota. Nowadays it is so much harder to make friends. In my five years of college I don't have one friend that I met in classes or clubs even my roommates have faded away. My only local friends now are my current roommates and people in my current ward.
2. I have tried really hard to cut back my t.v. watching so a show has to really good to make it into my weekly schedule. As shows get canceled my shows get less and less. But ever since you can rent t.v. shows on dvd I have been renting my old favorite shows. Some that if I told you what they were, you would think I was a complete nerd. But I still like them because I liked them when I was younger. Movies too are in this category, I will most likely buy any movie (no matter how dumb people may think it is now) that I loved when I was little . For an example (which again makes me look like a nerd but here it is) The Ewok Adventure. I love it.
3. This weekend is the state highschool drill team competition. Which I would love to go to. Of course none of my friends are interested in going. No, I wasn't in the drill team but I would have loved to have been (no dancing skills). I did love to watch them at their local competitions and their drill review at the end of each school year. My sophomore year of college and I went and watched a couple competitions up here in Salt Lake. It was awesome. One day I spent all day just watching highschools that I have no affiliations with dance away. It just brings me back to highschool days.
So why this obsession with living in the past (cliche)? I don't know. I guess because the past is certain and the future is unknown and most everyone is afraid of what they don't know (cliche?) My past wasn't the happiest one either. Not that I'm the happiest I could be now, but when you are young you feel so helpless and that when you're unhappy it's not your fault. There is nothing you can do about it. But now in adulthood you have to create your own happiness. You have to boost your self-esteem. You have to make decisions that change the course of your life. But all that's kind of hard to do when my past has turned me into the neurotic mess that I am today. I guess that it is just time to let the past go and march on into the future (cliche)
This post kind of turned a little negative. It seems easier to post about negative things than positive. Negativity vs. postitivity. I think that could be my next post. Stay tuned.
2 comments:
I wish I was better at keeping up friendships. I only have a few friends that I keep in contact with even though we never see each other (two are mission companions). The rest enter in that part of my brain that remembers them fondly, but never tries to contact them. It's sad.
I also spend less time dwelling on the past than I do thinking about the future. I think neither are healthy if done in excess. I'm trying to learn how to learn from the past and enjoy memories, plan for and dream about the future, and then spend most of my time enjoying the present. It's not that easy, but it's a goal.
I think it's always sad to grow up and discover how neurotic you've become. I think of the dreams and goals I had as a teenager and sometimes get overwhelmed with how most of that didn't become a reality. Things happen.
I also look around and see people changing and growing and inspiring those around them. Your mother is a great example. And so are you. I think it's okay to revisit the good feelings of your past. Let those move you to make good feelings in your present. And remember, changes usually aren't noticeable for awhile. I think writing this blog is going to provide a measuring stick of your growth. Keep it up. You're beautiful inside and out.
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